A Philadelphia Phillies Fan’s Lament

I don’t know about you but each day when I see yet another Phillies line-up I say to my trusty dog Tito, “Who is this team?”  I mean Michael Martinez batting second.  An outfield of Francisco, Mayberry and the aforementioned Martinez?  Dane Sardines (Ok, I know it’s Sardinha) behind the plate?  I mean, some of these guys wouldn’t even be starters in Triple A.

And the results speak (scream!) for themselves.  Even Charlie Manuel’s uncanny ability to get performances out of players when you least expect it has gone stale.  To say this team is in an offensive slump is like saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is the frontrunner for Husband of the Year.

According to my oft-mentioned friend Hal, “[His son] Kyle has more hits in his last 3 games than the Phillies have in theirs.”

It’s getting harder and harder to watch this offense strike out, hit weak fly balls and ground into double-plays (assuming there’s anyone on base to double up!)  So what’s a fan to do?  Well, here are 10 things to keep you busy while the Phils are at bat.  (Along with slump insights from some of the greats.)

10)  When’s the last time you cleaned out that “everything drawer” in the kitchen?  I don’t know about yours but mine still has Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons from 1982.  That way, after yet another Phillies loss, you can at least get some new lint brushes!

“Slumps are like a soft bed.  They’re easy to get into and hard to get out of. ”    Johnny Bench   

9) Thanks, Johnny, for the perfect lead-in to my next tip.  Just head for that soft bed and go to bed early!  Things will seem better in the morning.  Just don’t turn on ESPN.

 8)  And speaking of TV, during the Phils game is the perfect opportunity to catch up on all those old sictom re-runs you may have missed.  I know you’ve seen all the Seinfelds but have you checked out How I Met Your Mother?  (It’s at least as funny as the Phils line-up.)

7)  Sign up to follow Flyer Dan Carcillo‘s account on Twitter. Now I haven’t read it yet but I understand it will definitely take your mind off the Phillies.  Just don’t let your kids read it!

“Slump?  I ain’t in no slump.  I just ain’t hitting.”       Yogi Berra

6)  Google Yogi Berra quotes.  I promise you’ll laugh, even with Wilson Valdez at the plate.

5)  From the third to the eighth inning is the perfect time to bake cookies!  The other night I tried a new recipe for oatmeal white chocolate chip.  The Phillies lost but my arms got a work-out stirring (it’s a thick batter,) my family loved them, and I was very popular at work the next day when I brought in the left-overs.

4)  Go through the shoes in your closet and donate the ones you never even wore once (I know they’re in there) to charity.  Soles4Soles is a good one and they even take gently used.  I filled a hefty bag.

“I had slumps that lasted into the winter.”           Bob Uecker

3)  Since it’s not winter yet, put on a pair of those sneakers you found going through your closet and take a walk.  The exercise will do you good and help to burn off those cookies!

2)  Watch your well-worn DVD of  “That Perfect Season” again.  After all, it may be the only time this year you’ll see Brad Lidge or if you’re more of a bookworm, like me, re-read Jayson Stark‘s “Worth the Wait.”  (Yes, it really did happen!)

“We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren’t drinkin’ aren’t hittin’.”     Casey Stengel

Thanks for the idea, Casey.  The number 1 thing to do while the Phillies are at bat

1)   DRINK!!!  (Or eat ice cream, your choice!)

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