In Their Own Words (Kind of)

25 Jun

After a horrific baseball Sunday like yesterday everyone seemed to have something to say.  But as is often the case, you really have to read between the lines to find out not what they said, but what they really meant.

Let’s start with Game 1.

Cole Hamels was calm and reasonable after pitching seven scoreless innings and then leaving the game which his team eventually lost:

“You just listen to your manager and go with [his] decision,” Hamels said.  “When you go out there… you kind of understand that [pitch counts are] kind of part of the game now.”…”When you reach a certain amount, they don’t want to stress anything on your arm.”

Very PC, right?  But what Cole really meant is:

“I can’t wait till this season is over.  I didn’t really mean that when I was misquoted 3 years ago, but I sure mean it, now.  Pitch count, smitch count.  Heidi, get the realtor on the phone; we’re pricing our mansion to sell.  And while you’re at it find Matt Cain’s agent.  Pack up the baby cause we’re going home!”    

Also, heard in the clubhouse after the game from Jonathan Papelbon:

“Hey, Hollywood, I’ll give you $5000 if you take me with you.”

Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon’s thoughts after Phils manager CharlieManuel pinch hit Jim Thome in the eighth.

“Hmmmmm.  Shrewd move pinch hitting Thome in that spot.”

What he really meant:

“Woo-hoo!  What an idiot.  Walk the big guy and bring on Martinez.”  

Phillies season ticket holder heard in the stands after Game 1:

“Tough loss but I feel good about game two.  We’ve got Cliff Lee on the hill.  He’s due for a win, right?”

What she really meant:

“Damn I knew I should have put my game 2 tickets up on StubHub after that Jimmy Rollins home run in the 6th.”

Charlie Manuel on going to Antoio Bastardo in the eighth:

“That’s our eighth-inning guy. Bastardo and [Chad] Qualls are basically who we use in the eighth inning. You should be able to throw three days in a row.”

What Charlie meant.  At least the part we can print:

“Bleep the bleep bleep bleep.  Who the hell am I supposed to put in there to protect a bleepin’ lead?  BJ Steinberg, Blumberg or whatever the bleep his name is.  Ruben, get me a middle reliever.  Heck, give ‘em Thome if you have to.”

Unfortunately, Game 2 was even worse.  Let’s see if those post game comments can shed any light on what turned out to be a dismal Sunday at the ballpark.

Of course, we have to start with still winless pitcher Cliff Lee:

“I do have to do a better job of being ahead in the count. With two outs, I can’t be walking people.  I felt like I threw a couple of good pitches on a few of those walks, but that is something I can’t control.”

But if you can read lips even a little bit you saw what Cliff really meant to say.  (You may want to remove young children from the room.)

“What the f***.  Are all of these umpires from Triple A?  I used to get all the close calls.  Now I can’t even get a strike when the f***in ball is right down the middle of the plate.  F*** me.  F*** you!”

But Charlie Manuel, calmer than he was after game 1, tried to break down his team’s performance.

“There are three phases of the game. There’s pitching, defense and hitting.  And all of a sudden we can’t put together what you call good games…”

But what he really meant?

“This team sucks!  At the same time, I mean who are these guys?  Wigginton, Luna, Martinez?  I might as well just close my eyes and point to make up a lineup.  Heck, I already do that.  I’m too old for this sh**.  Get Pat Gillick on the phone.  And while you’re at it, call my agent.  Isn’t Boston about ready to get rid of that Valentine guy?  I couldn’t do much worse.  And I sure love those baked beans.”  
At least reliever B.J. Rosenberg, called up Sunday morning to be the Phillies’ 26th man for the doubleheader, had the right attitude.

“Whatever happens, happens,” Rosenberg said before the doubleheader. “It’s just fun to be here — even if it is just for the day.”

But after issuing four walks in the eighth inning as the Rays took a 6-3 lead, B. J. wasn’t having quite as much “fun” as he had hoped:

“That’s right, when the going gets touch, sacrifice the Jew.  I felt like David versus Goliath out there.  But this time, David lost.  When’s the first bus back to Lehigh.  Forget the bus, I’ll walk.”

As for Girls Best Phriend?  I’m taking it in stride:

It’s a long season.  We’re not even at the All-Star break yet.  Anything can happen.”

But what do I really mean?

“Whose stupid idea was this damn blog thing anyway?  I’m gonna start writing about that other diamond.  You know, that pretty, sparkly one that’ll never lose a doubleheader!!!”  

And that, my friends, says it all!


2 Responses to “In Their Own Words (Kind of)”

  1. Ray June 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm #


    As usual, you say what the rest of us are thinking……….When do the lessons / blogging on the sparkly diamonds begin???

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